Damn all these beautiful girls...

because of nokia + my 3 consecutive nights of lkfing + my current state of being, i am loving this song now.
it speaks for me man :
you're way too beautiful girl
that's why it'll never work
you'll have me suicidal suicidal
when you say it's over

and another favourite from my lkfing :

這是魔幻現實

as you can see by the way i blog my life has changed.
i am no longer the furiously working girl that i was before.
i am also too lazy to blog like i did before.
my life is now a random wonderlandish aimless floaty holiday.
it's pointless to tell you what i've been doing recently because essentially it just involved alot of play.
drinking at the residence.
lan kwai fonging.
aaron kwok in concert.
k-ing.
hanging/going out with the sg exchange students.
hanging/going out with my toiletmates.
hanging/going out with other exchange students/hallmates.
exploring hk.
going for classes where you can eat/sleep/be terribly late/hand up work late and still excel.
watching dvds banned in sg.
visiting exhibitions.
taking photos.
dining out : hotpots/bbqs/chacaantengs/daipaidongs
playing cooking.
grocery shopping.
msning/skyping/facebooking.
fashion shopping.
reading/watching abt edison/lydia.
talking to security guards.
having plenty of cantonese conversations.
smoking.
contracting a cough and coughing so much i think i have bronchitis...
etc.
i am in wonderland now.
but i can't stop thinking that it'll really hurt when i finally hit the ground.

"Isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?"

"I had worked for this old man and once he told me that he had spent his whole life thinking about his career and his work. And he was fifty-two and it suddenly struck him that he had never really given anything of himself. His life was for no one and nothing. He was almost crying saying that. "

"I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you. "

- before sunrise 1995

Sigh...

let me sing you a waltz...

"Hate is infused with love"

i read that at the Made In HK contemporary art exhibition i was at yesterday.
somehow it made me think of you.
then it made me wanna cry.
the last time i cried was the day before the day i left for hk. when i was editing the credits for Sardine Talks To Children. i wrote something. and suddenly tears came streaming.
the last time i cried before that was probably 8 years ago. when i was 16. and it was also you that made me cry.
after that i told myself i would never let you gloat over my weeping again. and i never cried again. not for anyone. especially not for you.
but after 8 years of not crying i began to wish i could cry again.
i had become this nonchalant heart of steel that wasn't affected by anything. not anything.
it feels strange being so emotionless all the time. like i'm not human.
so i was delighted when tears came when i was editing Sardine.
so i was delighted when i nearly wanted to cry when i read that and thought of you.
"hate is infused with love."
i know you hate me. i don't know why you hate me but it is clear you hate me. i also know you once loved me.
the little me.
the cute little me who worshipped you and listened to you.
too bad i grew out of it.
now i shouldn't be smoking, drinking, going out late, dieting, eating diet pills, not going to school, dropping out of school, indulging in asian pop culture, wearing contact lenses, dating women, running away to countries without telling you, criticising you, talking back to you, defying you, ignoring you... but i am.
you say i'm stubborn.
i say i am my own person.
you deny me everything because you say i don't deserve it.
i say i would still give up the money, security, comforts, gifts, washing machine, food, garbage chute for the freedom of choice and lifestyle that i have now.
you call me a bitch, slut, cunt, evil poisoning lying stealing masturbating lesbian chao chee bye.
that is why i stopped talking to you 5 years ago.
but
"hate is infused with love."
i cannot deny that you bought me things, told me stories, fetched me about, saved me from lizards and dogs, fed me.
and no matter what i am yours and you are mine.
and all around me people are dying. that french exchange student, mc king, heath ledger, xu weilun, suharto, the sg dragonboat team, michelle's father, danny's mother.
you will die soon too.
and so will i.
so why do we live like this?
you won't back down. i know you. you're too male, too old, too rich, too educated, too proud, too horrible to ever back down.
i won't back down either. i like my orphan life now.
i don't know how your life is now. or whether you have already thrown away all my stuff and changed the locks of your house.
but i just wanted to tell you : i hate you too.

This is alcohol week

monday - baileys & hazelnut milk @ the grass
tuesday - baileys & hazelnut milk, 3 penis wine, beer @ hall1 L4 common room
wednesday - sake @ my room
thursday - vodka + beer, red wine, vodka peach @ hall9 L9 common room and hall1 L4 common room
friday - baileys & expired milk @ hall1 L10 common room
saturday - vanilla passion, vodka orange peel cocktail, smirnoff ice @ lan kwai fong
sunday - red wine @ my room
(to be continued)

i already love drinking like mad like mad.
because alcohol here is damn cheap and here is damn cold.