26 May 2008 Monday

11am.
n and karen woke me when they came to deposit their homeless things in my room.
got out of bed to help karen carry the tv to my desk.
fell back asleep.
dreamt i walked out of my room and saw sarah2 and went to talk to her but when i got closer it wasn't her. then i saw shuxin and went to talk to her but when i got closer it wasn't her either.

12pm.
woke when n barged into my room with a piece of paper and then vanished into the toilet.
because of my dream i decided i should go and spend precious time with my toiletmates.
went to toiletmates' room. n wasn't there. karen wasn't there. their room was stark empty.
sro woman came in and asked where n was. i said i don't know. she was here just now.
and that's when it sunk in.
woke nokia to cry that everyone was gone. she told me she's been sad since morning already. since ronny and sarah2 left.
we stole the hangers from n's cupboard.
then i went back to sleep.

1230pm.
n barges into my room with karen.
i sappily follow them into their room to wait for the checkout guy.
helped karen push furniture back to its original layout.
1003b gets locked up.
3 of us hang in my room for a while.

115pm.
karen's van arrives and she leaves hall 1. forever.
n and i steal food to cook and eat on the 10th floor common room.

3pm.
n's van arrives and i watch her load her stuff on the van and board.
she waves. i wave.
i don't want to watch the van drive off so i walk away right away.
and that was when it really really really sunk in.

315pm.
i go back to a room with no toiletmates.
and i want to cry.
but of course i don't. cause i won't. and i will never.
but it felt as if my whole family died.
and i go into mourning.

4:22am the day after.
my darling n and karen,
you guys were like my family.
i miss going over to your room already. i miss hearing you guys in the toilet. i miss seeing your faces at my toilet door. i miss your cooking. i miss your company. i miss you both. a lot.

i know life's like that i know people leave i know things will change i know we'll still see each other i know i'll have forgotten this day in a week.
but still.
in this moment, today is one of the saddest days of a long long time.
and i finally cried.
while writing this.

Daft punk said it

it might not be the right time i might not be the right one but there's something about us I want to say cause there's something between us anyway
i might not be the right one it might not be the right time but there's something about us I've got to do some kind of secret I will share with you
i need you more than anything in my life i want you more than anything in my life i'll miss you more than anyone in my life i love you more than anyone in my life.

My roomate moved out this morning

my roomate of 5 months.
whom i barely spoke to and never hung with.
but after i watched her walk out of the door i suddenly felt a pang of sap.
because when you have slept in a room with a person for 5 months, you do notice when she is not there.
and she is not there now.
and she never will be there again.
and i will never ever see her again.
people go.

people go.

I love sammi so fucking much

Ok fine children are cute

cos they fight and fight and answer my questions between fights.
i think i'm getting the hang of teaching english now.
basically i repeat myself 9x per week and teach dumb things like big bigger biggest.
ah fuck. for the money for the money for the money.
though it bores my toes i now have money for new shoes.
and alot more.

Why i hate children

because i now am an english teacher in hong kong.
i have 9 different teaching jobs.
4 individual students and 5 classes in primary/secondary schools.
the school classes are quite quite horrible. honestly. i dread them.
imagine being alone in a room of 20 shrill-voiced physically-uncurbed mammals all under the age of 11.
imagine that they can't understand 90% of what you tell them.
now imagine having to educate them or, much worse, get them to shut up and sit down.
it's not possible.
chaos is my school classes.
the kids run about, shout, swear, fight, doodle on the blackboard and essentially ignore me.
i don't really blame them because i think i probably behaved like shit too.
but not blaming them does not mean i like them.
i don't. i hate them. i don't care about their education. and essentially i ignore them too.
i let chaos go on in my classes because i refuse to yell at them. i refuse to go all hysterical to shock them into shutting up. i refuse to make sure they learn to speak english.
it's awfully irresponsible of me but i'm quite sure i was never meant to be a teacher of a class of children.
the only reason why i sit in those insanity-inducing rooms 5 times a week is because i get 200hkd per hour to do so.
which is quite quite sweet.
especially since i'm not even legally allowed to work here.
especially since i didn't earn a cent in the first 4 months of this year.
so i pretend i don't hate children.
but the truth is: i would really rather work in macdonalds than have a life-long career as a primary/secondary school teacher.
and the truth also is: i am still getting richer in spite of my bad behavior.

我愛你

係全世界最難講的三個字。
especially when you really really really mean it.