My anthem

The list of expensive things i want to buy

1. macbookpro (this i actually am already saving up for)
2. driving license
3. motorcycle license
4. motorcycle
5. plastic surgery
6. braces
7. lasik
8. my own house
sigh.

Let's play with ana

i first played with ana when i was in jc.
i lost 9kg in 6 months and went through hell on earth and heaven on earth.
then i stopped cos i started dropping hair like mad.
and slowly the effects wore off and i became plumpy and hairy again.
but today, amidst a bad pimple breakout and an overwhelming sense of ennui, i've decided to start playing with ana again.
let's start easy. 1kg by 24 sept.
come play with me. :)

Happy mooncake festival, susan

you can tell by the number of mooncakes a person has consumed how loved he/she is.
i know people who have been complaining about being stuffed with mooncakes / sick of mooncakes / scared of mooncakes / oozing mooncakes / bla bla bla.
to these people i just smile and never tell things to.
but just while i was getting more certain that my world was too gray, susan suddenly suggests that we share and buy a box of mooncakes together.
and i gape and bite my lip, touched to hell.
so happy mooncake fest ah sue, i'm quite happy that you are alive.

Precisely why i don't

我快樂或難受 你慶幸還是內疚

若我施展溫柔 連笑聲都纖幼

可否得到更大成就

whether i am happy or sad, do you celebrate or feel guilty?
if i emit gentleness, make my laughter dainty
will i get better results?

就誰貌似花美艷 是誰努力照亮半邊天

但是情無獨鐘 貪心的你偏愛哪一邊

so who is it that looks pretty as a flower, who is it that works hard to light up half the sky...
but romance is not unique, greedy you which side will you show biased love?

沒法深得你心 忠貞都不吸引

學會哭泣可會交換緣份

若要深得你心 只需懂得擁吻

大概我也比得上別人

failing to go deep into your heart, even loyalty is not attractive
can learning to cry change fate?
if to go deep into your heart, all i need to know is how to hug and kiss
on average i can compare with everyone

我不想寫戰書 我也恨甜言蜜語

做你終生守護神 憑這一點好處

可不可將美麗留住

i don't want to write battle stories, i also hate sweet talk
being your lifelong guardian angel, based on this one good point
will it be able to hold on to the beauty?

沒法深得你心 哭泣都不吸引

用我一身本領交換緣份

若我深得你心 只因懂得擁吻

就算吻傷這張臉 不希罕你的心

failing to go deep into your heart, even crying is not attractive
i can use my whole life's abilities to change fate
but if i go deep into your heart, just because i know how to hug and kiss
even if i kiss this face till it gets injured, i won't treasure your heart

還你最膚淺一吻 不希罕你的心

returning you the most superficial kiss, i won't treasure your heart.

When i was 18 years old i used to climb out of my bedroom window

to sit on the ledge to smoke.
and by on the ledge i mean on the exterior of the building with nothing to block me from flying and splattering 8 storeys below.
it probably was quite dangerous because one night while i was having a glorious smoke, someone from the opposite block came up to my doorbell and asked me if i needed help.
i remember being quite genuinely surprised by him because i wasn't asking for help. i mean of course i was perhaps rather borderline suicidal being so ugly and fat and poor and stupid and not having much to do with my life at that point and having to beg for money and having to listen to a father and not knowing what living was all for and all that, but i wasn't going to jump to death (i preferred wrist cutting/pill eating/gassing really). so i said no and closed the door in his face.
my logic of climbing out to smoke was so that i could close the window so my father wouldn't smell smoke and come kill me for smoking in my room (again proof that i wanted to live see).
but that's another story.

the story tonight is : tonight i was sitting on the floor at my lobby smoking.
and for no reason i suddenly remembered that when i was 18, while smoking on the exterior ledge of my bedroom, i saw a girl climbing out of her bedroom window to sit on her ledge to smoke. this girl was not me and i'm not being poetic. it really was another girl living at the opposite block who was doing the same thing.
and from that day on, during the era of me smoking on the ledge, i would sporadically see this girl smoking on the ledge of the block opposite. sometimes we smoked at the same time, sometimes she smoked when i wasn't smoking, sometimes i smoked when she wasn't smoking.
i used to watch her smoking on the ledge because it did look pretty dangerous and she looked so cool doing it.
and now neither she nor i climb out to the ledge to smoke anymore.
i don't do it anymore because i have a lot more to live for and probably better hygiene standards (the ledge was quite dusty). and she?
who was she? why did she do it? does she still live there?
and why am i suddenly remembering such a random snippet of my past and feeling so glad that i shared an era with a girl i've never met and may never meet?

i think i need to smoke less.
when i smoke for too long, strange things come to mind and bewilder me.
or maybe that's just the blood clot clouding my thoughts.
5 cigs max per day from now on. starting tomorrow.

What for?

why do we fight and struggle and plot and scheme for hours and days and months and years just to get ahead just to win just to be the better best supreme? why do we get all serious and fierce and sleep deprived and time deprived just because we're spending all our energies trying to win to get money and fame to be able to get future money and fame to get fame for our money and money for our fame.
what for?
for a better life?
for a more fulfilling life?

but what does it matter when we are all going to die anyway?
if it all does not matter because we are all going to die anyway, then why don't we just happily stay at home and play sims all life long without having to go through all that meaningless struggle?
if a better life brings happiness and a more fulfilling life brings happiness and playing sims brings happiness and it seems like the end goal is happiness then why not just play sims for happiness?

i don't know.
i am still stuck in the habit of struggling to be someone magical and remembered and contributive to society even though its tiring even though i am doing things that i think are stupid even though i'd really rather just stay home and play sims all day long.
hopefully one day i'll realise that it is clearly for nothing and give it all up to dedicate my life to sleeping and playing sims.
maybe that is what nirvana is.