I really wanna work for the MFA

really really
really really.
please?

So why do women get married?

(and why don't i feel the same desire to be married?)

initially i thought it was maybe because some women really like men, they love men and it'd be the happiest thing in the world for them to be able to live forever with a man.
but recently a chat with a damn good friend who was 33 and unmarried and quite eager to be married revealed a side that i never imagined before.
she told me her parents were chasing her to get married because firstly she was getting "old" and secondly because they may not be able to help her pay off her house because they too were getting old and struggling to work and therefore introducing a myriad of potential men with good jobs to her so that these men could possibly take care of her loan in the future instead.
so it struck me that if i were her and having to go for all these obligatory dates with mr x and y with good jobs and having to worry about my housing loan and my parents' grumblings, i'd find the whole notion of getting married to a man highly attractive too.

fortunately i am no such situation and thus can go on in my pursuit of true and pure love for love (if there is such a thing) without having to worry about the whole marriage problem.
but i wonder if she does meet the right man to marry, then is it true love?
or is it compromise and making do with the best available one to solve the unmarried problem forever?
or is it true love out of relief that this man came and took her away from that unmarried problem forever?
or is it possible to truly love someone so much within a short period of time to really want to spend your rest of your life with him?
and will my true and pure love for love be possibly less sweet than her marriage because it doesn't relieve me of any longstanding persistant big societal/familial burden?

mm... tough questions.

And i have one of these

my baby imac (aka Love aka rather expensive new computer) has been freezing up randomly since a few days after i opened it and after i called apple to yell all they could tell me was to observe more first because their fucking free apple warranty doesn't send somebody down to check unless i pay the extra $303+ to get the protection plan which i refuse to cos i swear i didn't spoil it yet and it is definitely a defective product.
but before i could yell hell at them i had to find out what the defect was to make a more convincing demand for reparation freebies later on.

So for the past week i've been trying to use applications one at a time (which is rather stupid since i have 4gh ram and 1tb space and i should bloody hell be allowed to do mad things with that grr)
anyway
at first i thought it was my ahem trrntdwlder so i stopped that then i thought it was the mobile broadband so i unplugged that then i thought it was the heat so i dedicated a fan to blow at my imac BUT THE THING STILL KEPT FREEZING 5 TIMES EACH DAY!

fortunately, just a while ago, i have come to realise what it is.
i didn't realise it earlier cos i'm the queen of multi-tasking and i like to download things while loading tudou while msning while listening to music while doing my work but now i know.
i know because it froze while i was watching youtube. i know because my sims keeps freezing up. i know because tudou is always in the background loading something. i know because all my friends with imacs don't have the same problem.

so i googled it to check it out.
and this -> iMac owners reporting issues with Radeon HD 4850 chipset came first.

that's why only i have this problem. because i'm the only one stupid (or rich) enough to chose to pay the extra $85 to get the ATI Radeon HD 4850 512MB which quote "that delivers even faster graphics performance" which i agree is pretty smooth, but still less efficient when it is bloody freezing up 5 times a day.
and choosing to get this "special" graphics processor meant i had to wait 1 month for the imac to ship after payment vs the regular 24hours for purchase from the online store.
so i have plenty reason to be pissed.
:)

i'm going to bed now.
and when i wake up, i'm going to browse the apple website to see what i'd love to have, then call apple help and raise hell and get free expensive things.
fabulous. goodnight.

In today's news

(wow thanks patriachs)

"SINGAPORE : Homosexual groups and pro-family groups may not see eye-to-eye on sexuality, but many in both camps agree with Deputy Prime Minister Wong Kan Seng's call for tolerance and accommodation on the subject.

DPM Wong said that while Singapore is a conservative society, homosexuals are entitled to their private lives. He stressed the importance for different groups to live and let live - a view welcomed by many, including homosexuals."

(but of course it being a bloody Singapore news report they had to end with this standard excitement dampening statement)

Dr Carol Balhetchet, director of Youth Services at the Singapore Children's Society said: "I agree with the government that the two critical values we need to have is respect and tolerance. Just as much as the small conservative group's views should not be forced on the mainstream, similarly, the liberal's views should not be forced on the rest of us."

(but well at least they aren't jailing gay men for having gay sex anymore...
baby steps baby baby steps)

What mother's day

you know there used to be a time when i thought positively of my mother
you know hoped she'd come back, thought the answer to all my problems would be to get her back, etc etc bla bla bla crap
of course
all that positive thinking ended when i actually did manage to find her after 16 years.
and it was then i realised she was not my hero. not in the least bit.
then shortly after she again told me fuck you goodbye and again i never saw her ever again.
therefore, in spite of how much my daddy makes me want to just die,
i still love him more than her.
really.
that is how much she stinks.

but anyway, my point of writing this was: so what did i do for mother's day?
obviously i didn't give a two hoots about it and went for dinner with sue sue who is the only fabulous person i know who doesn't have a bloody mother's day dinner thing to attend. and we even went grocery shopping and she taught me how to choose fruits.
sue sue is my new hero.
and i think i'd be pretty mighty sad if she really moves back to hk for good and leaves me all alone in this disgusting family-friendly world of singapore. :(

Severe stockholm syndrome

so suddenly my father reduces his insults to a single "cunthole" only on average 6 times per day and again i feel all the daughterly love for him oozing back into my pores.
by daughterly love i mean i don't hope he dies. and good if some good fortune collapses upon him.
i don't know why i am so bloody kind.
maybe because i still possess vague memories of him as a nice person. i think i was 6 at that time.
i guess this is what is motherfucking UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
so it does exist.
wow.

I'm an imploding ball of furious angst

because
i have just been reminded yet again that my father really doesn't love me.
and i mean he really really REALLY doesn't love me.
and i don't mean he won't buy me a computer he won't give me food he won't let me touch his things kind of not love me.
i mean he blames me for all his problems in life denies me everything including use of the kitchen living room washing machine rubbish chute hopes i die and tells me so regularly and calls me rude things 50 times every hour encourages my stupid brothers to call me fucker and spits at my room door type of not love me.

and all this started all over again this morning because my grandma called him and mentioned that she'd be giving me 1/3 of his share of her inheritance when she goes and the other 2/3 will go to my brothers.
and so now i'm a "stealing your father's money through your grandmother fucker" amongst other things like fucking cunt, fucking bitch, motherfucker and so on and so forth.
and i didn't even know a thing about this friggin inheritance till he started cussing at me for a whole few fucking hours the moment i woke up.
and now he goes on cussing for 15 mins everytime i leave my room to go to the toilet to say pee or rinse cups since i have since a long time ago been told to fuck off from the kitchen as i will be killed if i ever dare to even step one foot in the kitchen.

seriously i have real problems.
because my dad is an insane, paranoid, narciccistic, tyrannical bully who finds a way out of his problems by putting all the blame on me.
and currently he seems think that the solution is to chase me out of the house, very likely through suicide since i haven't got enough money to move anywhere since i just fucking finished 4 years of school (i supported my fucking self) a week ago and sure as hell he ain't going to give me a cent.
because i'm a motherfucking cunt bitch slut evil witch lazy pig bum who is using his electricity and stealing his inheritance and ruining the relationship between him and his father sister brother and will burn in hell and rot in hell and die a horrible death.
and my fucking useless shit of a mother up and ran a long long long LONG time ago.
and my lovely stepmother just goes about her daily stuff without saying anything.
and my little brother who is 8 now tells me to fuck off too.

so really other than crying non-stop and trying to stay out all day, i don't know what else to other than say that i fucking hate you people with happy families who care about things like where is good to eat and what clothes to buy and what ranking you are in school and what kind of fucking company (hopefully good) your kids hang out with.
i hope you all choke and die on your fucking happy family dinners.

and to my dad: seriously i get it. you don't love me. you hope i die. i deserve to die. i'm a fucker. i'm a slut. i'm a cunt. i'm a bitch. i know! you've said so gazillion times! now shut up for goodness sakes just shut up!!!!! you can have the inheritance. i will find a way to die soon. now just shut your fucking ugly fuck mouth fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
you don't know how precious your fucking peace and safety is you fucking happy family assholes.
now stop talking to me about stupid fluffy things like cute boys. i am really not interested.

This is my mind today

it feels like spring
like holiday
may june july all holiday we can go anywhere you me together separately
anything can grow depending on where i want to go
focus or slave what is work what is money what are things what is the future?
how?
now i start or i end,
im getting old. feel my ambition dying.
i feel tired i'm getting to be just like the rest of them.
i'm started to think i'm stupid.
i'm starting to feel nothing.
i don't want you to go.
and why do i want to stay?
i know know ramble mix of thoughts from lack of exercise and exhaustion (lack of).
i want to be thin.
that's all i know now i just want to be thin.